Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
