if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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