I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
