Porn is love you can see.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
