I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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