i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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