you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
God, I missed his penis.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
