i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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