I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
