I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He has the fingertips of a God
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
