my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
