that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
