you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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