I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was like having sex with a tree stump
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
