I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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