I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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