Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
