I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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