make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
