I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she told me i tasted like america
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
