i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
