I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
