So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
