When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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