theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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