my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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