He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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