You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
