Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
