Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I am morally bankrupt
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
