my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
