i permit you to call me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
