I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
