i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
