Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
