just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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