Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
