Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
