the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
