I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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