he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
