just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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