I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
