remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
