When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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