i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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