Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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