When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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