we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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