i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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