Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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