a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
