OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
