This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
