I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
