the condom got lost in my hair
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
