Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
