If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
