totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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