I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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