trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
