hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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