We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who died my cat blue again?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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