and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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