The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
