my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
