so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
