my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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