I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize