so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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