Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
