I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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