please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
