you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
