you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
