You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize