Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
