oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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