the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The uberlube is also flammable
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
