Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
