I hope mine doesn't look like that
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
