this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
