I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
